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Laura McCullough
Of Cuckolds and Crucifixions
Fox News announces a plot
to expose Christianity
to the subversives
alphabetically listed
in a file held by the Denver
PD who got their software
from the Poindexter knowledge--
is-power plot to expose
the subversives who haven’t
gotten Christianity yet.
Fair and balanced; bling bling.
Bush is doing okay. If you disagree
or are a member of the Friends,
Bill O’Reilly wants to send a limo
to get you; there’s a new breed
of lion in Rome, the vanities
are beyond burning –- now
we eat you live on reality
TV and let the dead
eat their dead.
Anna Nicole has the power
to self-medicate; Lara
Croft has the right to enlarge
her own breasts. Mike Myers
lets Austin Powers play
with Fuk Yoo and Fuk Me;
irony is dead and the dead
can eat that, too, while
on the continent of Africa,
frightened men rape
baby girls to cleanse their
bodies of deadly viruses,
reported on BBC not Fox.
Cirque Du Soleil can’t conceive
of something as everlasting
as a virgin who got laid,
but didn’t get any of the fun
setting up 2000 years
of female sexual guilt
and despite Robert Bly
and good Mickey Hart’s
drumming, committing
Joseph -- and all good,
communicative men --
to doubt and self-loathing.
Fox News announces Mel Gibson
is being crucified for his depiction
of a crucifixion earning him
a spot on a list of subversives
who speak Latin and eschew
subtitles on principle.
The coin of the realm when spun
on its edge costs twice
the face value.
There will be a processing
fee if you plan
to use this machine.
Pump Your Own Gas
If Eddie Izzard and Tom Waits
Fell in love, it would be in New Jersey
Home of the Boy Scouts and one of 36
States where sodomy is legal
Except in Fort Dix and other military
Bedrooms. Imagine the Luna Bell
Diner, Eddie in plaid –- humor,
A dead giveaway –- Tom fresh
From a fight with the Haitian
Attendant on the Garden State
Parkway who wouldn’t let him pump
His own gas. They’d agree on
Springsteen, order the Thomas Edison
Special –- turkey with extra light
Mayo and bright, pimento
Filaments. About the future?
Eddie wants a flat in Ocean Grove,
Tom, a bungalow in Asbury Park,
A short walk to Fish Heads to sing
Ballads for folks who still respect
The Blues. Ain’t gonna happen. Izzy’s
Busy getting serious, and Tom, well,
New Jersey’s just too small for a voice
That big. So it’s up to us. Next time
You’re in a diner along route 1 or 9,
Consider the resin chandelier, the quarter
Jukebox. We’ve got all the music
And light this state can stand. Go ahead:
Seduce someone with the one foreign
Word you still know how to say.
©2003 by Laura McCullough
Laura McCullough
is on the writing faculty at Brookdale Community College, where she is the Chair of the
Visiting Writers and Lecturer Series. She holds an MFA from Goddard College, won a NJ State Arts
Council Fellowship in 1995, and has had poetry, prose, or essays appear or forthcoming in Lucid Stone, Poetry Motel, The
Coastal Forest Review, and In Posse. See more of her work at her Web site.
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